| 4l3c |
[ |
Sunday
July 17th,2011
7:15 pm
] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
fuckin sprung. |
] |
sometimes, i really don't know what the fuck is wrong with me. i'm sprung on a 17 year old alcoholic/dope fiend. aaaand i really dont fucking understand why. but im falling for this motherfucker waayyy too fast, and thats probably not good. i'm going to take the chance though, even though there's a good possibility that i'm gonna get hurt and end up feeling like a fuckin idiot. but i truly do deserve that happening to me-karma's a bitch. whatever. i'm pretty much falling in love with this KID and i don't even know what else to say about that besides...i want to slice the shit out of my arm. yeah, i know that sounds totallyfucked. and i'm probably way too pussy to do it anyway..but i fucking want to so bad. and i keep on wondering..has he ever done it? i mean, this kid is FUCKED UP for 17. and maybe i'm just as fucked up as him..an i want to show him that? seriously, i don't know. all i know is that he dropped me off at 7am, that was only 12 hours ago and my heart LITTERALLY hurts without him. i really don't know if i've ever fallen for someone like this in my fucking life. i feel scared without him and i don't know why. scared of what he's gonna do when i'm not with him? maybe. but mostly, i'm scared because i miss him so fucking much already. i don't even care about sex, i just want to cuddle with him and hold him..i know by now that whoever my higher power is, he puts people in my life for a reason. i just REALLY want to fuckin know what the reason for alec is...
|
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| what the fuck is wrong with me? |
[ |
Tuesday
January 6th,2009
10:24 am
] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 disappointed |
] |
i really wonder why no matter how hard i try not to
i always get my hopes up for something to happen..and then sooner than i even realize..my hopes are crushed, just like that..
and then i sit there and think about that one single moment where everything was perfect.
where i stupidly thought that my world was actually coming together for once.
and you were the glue holding me together..
|
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| the speed of pain.. |
[ |
Wednesday
December 17th,2008
10:38 am
] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 apathetic |
] |
They slit our throats
Like we were flowers
And our milk has been devoured
When you want it
It goes away too fast
When you hate it
It always seems to last
But just remember when you think you're free
The crack inside you fucking heart is me
I wanna outrace the speed of pain for another day
I wish I could sleep
But I can't lay on my back
Because ther's a knife
For everyday that I've known you
When you want it
it goes away yoo fast
When you hate it
It always seems to last
But just remember when you think you're free
The crack inside your fucking heart is me
I wanna outrace the speed of pain for another day
Lie to me, cry to me, give to me
I would
Lie with me, die with me, give to me
I would
Keep all your secrets wrapped in dead hair
I hope at least we die holding hands for always
|
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| not living.. |
[ |
Monday
November 3rd,2008
10:17 am
] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
numb |
] |
I realize I'm dead, I'm fucked in the head, I'm not living without you.
My life is a game, my life is a shame, I'm not living without you.
This song is a joke, my life is a joke, i'm not living without you.
My life is alone, my life is alone, I'm not living without you.
You're bleeding me, you're bleeding me, you're bleeding me,
You're bleeding..
I realize I'm dead, I'm fucked in the head, I'm not living without you.
My life is a game, my life is a shame, I'm not living without you.
This heart has been choked, and my life is a joke, and I'm not living without you.
My life is alone, my life is alone, I'm not living without you.
You're bleeding me, you're bleeding me, you're bleeding me,
You're bleeding...
You, You've taken all from me.
What I have to see, What I cannot be inside you
My love, my god, my love bleeding me.
What's this? What's this?
I can't live.
I realize i'm dead, I'm fucked in the head, I'm not living without you.
My life is a game, my life is a shame, I'm not living without you.
This heart is a joke, and my life has been choked, And I'm not living without you.
And my life is a game, my life is a shame,
I'm not living without you.
|
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| i didn't think it would be this hard.. |
[ |
Monday
September 22nd,2008
10:15 am
] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
crappy |
] |
i can't stop.
i was good for 2 weeks, and i fucked up and now i can't stop.
i don't even know what to do;
i'm still lost, confused..
i didn't think life could come to this..
heroin, heroin..
why are you so good?
2 years ago, everything was perfect.
1 year ago, everything was perfect.
i was happy. i wasn't a junkie.
life was good.
back then i never thought i'd be where i am today. never, ever, ever.
i wish things were still that way. where getting stoned was the most fun in the world. and i had a boyfriend named nick miller, who, little did i know, would introduce me to the people that later on would be some of my closest friends. even sam, as much as i can't stand her, back then i enjoyed hanging out with her. and steve..12.18.06. that was the beginning of a wonderful, but badly ending 4 months. and after that i thought it was done, that i would never see him or talk to him again. and then a year and a half later, i meet him again all because sinti & i ran into brian & chris at mayhem fest. so that makes me think, maybe it was meant to happen. maybe we were meant to start talking again. we were just standing there in the crowd, and when i turned around they were right behind us. like it was meant to be. and they said, you guys should come watch us practice sometime, i'm sure steve would like to see you again. i didn't believe them. i thought steve hated me. and then i saw him for the first time in a year and a half, and it was like falling for him all over again. but unfortunately, things aren't the same, not even close. i'm not the same person i was when him & i first met almost 2 years ago. he isn't the same person either. i wish we we were, more than anything. but alot can happen in 2 years. more than i ever thought was possible.
chris is driving me crazy. i think he's the main reason i can't quit. because when i stop, he tells me he'll stop too. and then he just keeps doing it behind my back and not telling me, and i end up finding out from everyone else. then he promises he won't lie to me about it again, but he always does. and that just makes me want to keep doing it, so that way when he does it i won't care. it's terrible. the drug changes anyone who touches it, i didn't believe it, but it does. its heaven & hell. you're in heaven at the time but all it brings you later on is hell. he's turning into what johnny turned into. that's the last thing i want to become..but it's so hard. harder than you could ever imagine. that's why i feel like i need someone to save me from this shit, and i thought maybe talking to steve again would be it. but mike.. i like him, i do.. but he's another thing that keeps me from quitting. in a way he's just like chris. last week him & tyler told me they deleted all of their guy's numbers and they were done. i didn't believe them. and i was right. it's a problem, a big problem. but i don't know how to stop it. i don't even know where to begin. there's about a 1/4 inch scar on my right arm.. i don't think i've ever done it that deep.
sometimes, i just want to take a needle and end all of this shit.
|
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| one life. one love. |
[ |
Sunday
August 24th,2008
10:14 pm
] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 anxious |
] |
well, i start school again tomorrow, and i think i'm actually glad.
this terrible summer is finally ending, and i think things are going to start looking up, or so i really really hope.
chris and i are both done with blows.
he's going back to school with me :]
i wish everything could go back how it was around this time last year. just smoking alot of weed. drinking sometimes. other stuff here and there but not alot, only on occasion. and hanging out at richard's every day, of course. but i'm trying hard not to live in the past now, just looking forward to the future.
more than anything, i wish i could help everyone else. everyone who i seemed to have lost to heroin. especially johnny, as much as i really hate that kid now, i know this isn't him. this isn't who he used to be, and i'd do anything to have him back, and those good times back. i just wish everyone would stop altogether, then i know things would be so much better. even the guy that pretty much introduced blows to bolingbrook has been clean for almost 3 months.
one more thing, i guess tuesday i'm going to the o.s. practice site. technically it's no longer the o.s. site because they broke up and formed some new band, but the site is in bolingbrook and chris wants me to come out on tuesday. which means i get to see steve. finally, after a year and a half since we broke up. i'm scared but also really excited, i've been wanting to see him for a while. i just hope everything goes well. wish me luck. <3
i'm going to call sinti now because i think we need to have a before school talk. we also did last year which turmed into a huge fight ofer the phone, i really hope that doesn't happen again. then of course ims smoke a square out of my bedroom window like every night before school.
sweet dreams everyone<3
i hope mine will be.
|
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| to you i'm addicted i can't deny |
[ |
Sunday
June 1st,2008
8:37 pm
] |
they say that your kiss is like a pill
designed to change the way that i feel
for every heartache you got a cure
that's why i put my trust in you
but i don't even know your name
so i will call you medicine,
you can ease my pain
i don't wanna feel the same
tonight i need your medicine
to put out the flame
|
|
| I really hate when.. |
[ |
Wednesday
May 28th,2008
11:13 pm
] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
depressed |
] |
everything that could possibly go wrong in 24 hours..does.
fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck.
i really don't understand.. i can't even bring myself to repeat eveything that happened.
i don't even want to think about it right now.
it's just fucked up, beyond fucked up..
|
|
|
[ |
Sunday
November 11th,2007
7:44 pm
] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 drained |
] |
i feel so dead
like nothing is real
last night feels like a dream
and i wish i remembered more of it
but i guess it's good that i don't..
the strange part is that somehow
i knew you were going to be there.
and then you showed up..
i hope there's a reason behind this.
what about tomorrow?
FUCK TOMORROW.
|
|
|
[ |
Tuesday
March 6th,2007
11:40 am
] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 bitchy |
] |
i hate fucking school.
but unfortunately, thats where i am right nnow.
in history class.
blahhhh i need a cigarette fuuuuuckkkk
we're doing some gay worksheet in russia or something
grrr i want to fucking leave
and i have all this fuckiing make-up work shit from when i wasn't here wednesday thursday & friday.
i wanna ditch again with anthony robin & amber, that was fun shit. :D
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|
[ |
Thursday
November 30th,2006
10:12 pm
] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
annoyed |
] |
i.. i.. i think i miss brian.
=/
|
|
|
[ |
Wednesday
November 29th,2006
10:42 am
] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
annoyed |
] |
i'm in the library again.
sitting next to cassie.
this is gay.
um yeah.
i saw brian earlier today
but he didn't really say anything.
eh whatever he's an idiot.
i'm hangin out with anna this weekend. yayy.
and jamie and danni and probably sinti.
and we are gonna get fuuuuuckedddd uuuuppppp.
=D
kay bye.
---♥---
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|
[ |
Tuesday
November 28th,2006
10:32 am
] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 bored |
] |
i'm In school right now.
in the gay computer lab in the library.
and the only reason i'm updating this damn thing is cause the computers wont let us on any other website.
but oh well, i always forget about my livejournal.
i'm supposed to be doing some report on that book
the house on mango street. heh.
ok bye.
=P
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|
[ |
Tuesday
July 25th,2006
1:56 am
] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
depressed |
] |
|
|
| fuckoff. |
[ |
Friday
July 21st,2006
1:24 am
] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 blah |
] |
wow. i haven't updated in a while.
so um...
conrerstone was fun.
i got a new cell phone cause i broke mine.
nic is still a douchebag.
will & kevin are really starting to piss me off.
i lost like $30 to a fucking carnie last weekend.
as of now i hate carnivals. >.<
i still don't have any cigarettes which is really pissing me off.
fucking justin went to the MSI concert without me, and didnt even call me or anything.. >.< fucking asshole..and then skippy gave away his extra ticket to shane, so i didn't get to go =[
i finally got to see sinti last night =D =D i missed her so fucking much. i love youu sinti <333
i got to see jordan too, she's visiting for the week.
and me & jamie walked to taco bell last night and on the way back to catrese's we stole a fucking orange cone standing in someones backyard, hahaha it was hilarious. then again what do you expect from jamie & me =P
i got all my old sims games back. i missed them =[
and i got my oldold black & red skirt back from sinti.
jesse's probably gonna pierce my lip this weekend. and this time i won't have a fucking safety pin stuck in it for a whole day like last time.
i'm goin to ashley's tomorrow, and then saturday is amanda's grad. party =]] woo woo!! ;]
soyeahh thats about it.
comments on myspace?!
www.myspace.com/followme_imlosttoo
^ new pic
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[ |
Friday
June 30th,2006
11:48 pm
] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
exhausted |
] |
pati ashley emily & hannah are all over right now.
& we're dying eachother's hair. heh.
yay.
cornerstone's tomorrow.
and then we're partyin on the 4th =D =D oh yeahh baby.
coodilac can't come =[ he has work. poop.
oh and today i found the funniest fucking picture of someone. lmfao. i'm still laughing.
yeahyeahyeah.
kaybye.
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[ |
Thursday
June 29th,2006
11:16 pm
] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
bored |
] |
eh, today was pretty boring.
i slept most of the day.
then a couple of hours ago i went to the mall
and got some awesome shit that was on sale.
yep.
and now i'm working on my new DS thing.
SUFF0C4T3 < yeah that's it.
weeeee.
i'm bored.
i think i'm hanging out with Jamie tomorrow.
and then Ashley & Pati are coming over.
and maybe Emily.
i love her, she's sooo fucking cute! heh.
well i'm going to go charge my phone & call ashley & pati.
fallOUTsmiles613: i runs dana.
y0uCaNtSaVeMe Xx: i runs konflikt
=]
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mypain__mypride's journal
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